Not gonna lie, I pretty much did a happy dance in the dressing room of Kohl’s over the weekend. I picked out a new pair of pants and grabbed the 6, just in case, and while I was at it, I decided I would grab the size 4 of a really really cute dress. Part of me was feeling bold, the other part was feeling hesitant. I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to fit in them yet.
But instead of disappointment, I felt sheer joy! They both fit. I am starting to feel accomplished, and like the goal is close!
It’s hard to explain, what it feels like to be a certain size. I wonder sometimes if it’s just a dream that I will wake up from obese and unhealthy again. There’s no chance of me going back at this point, but the uncertainty, insecurity and fear still linger.
I know that God’s word says I am beautiful, because He made me that way. A size on a piece of clothing, or a number on scale won’t determine those things. But the part of me that remembers what it felt like to be obese also remember how much I hated myself at times. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for my husband, for my dreams and even to walk out the call of God on my life. I still have those moments. I don’t always feel beautiful or desired or loved. Not only by the people in my life, or by God, but by myself as well. Weight loss is so much more than a physical journey. It’s an emotional roller coaster as well. There are so many layers of things to deal with, and just when you think you’ve conquered one thing, another one pops up to be dealt with. Oy.
So just because I look skinnier than I used to doesn’t mean that the struggle has ended. Just because I am smaller doesn’t mean the battle is over. The reality is that I have an enemy that is out to steal, kill and destroy my very soul.
I posted a scripture on Facebook yesterday, and I think it applies here as well.
“See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the Lord your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.” (Deuteronomy 30:15-20 NKJV)
Choose life. Choose words that uplift others. Choose to go out of your way to tell someone they are loved and valuable. You might assume because they are skinny that they know it, but the truth is, I spent so long not knowing it, that I often forget to remind myself.
Yes, I can fit into a size 6 and 4, but those numbers are not who I am. They are what I wear. I am a daughter of the most high God. He loves me and cares for me. He thinks I am beautiful whether those numbers are 6 or 26. It doesn’t matter to Him.
Have a blessed Monday!